tomorrow never comes until it's too late

2010-06-14T10:26:00.001-07:00

life, it never waits for you to be ready or even to expect. it just goes on.

staying adrift

2009-11-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

There is a subtle shift in me. i feel the change in the breeze. It toys with the leaves. It rustles my thoughts. I see its difference in the yellow of the sun. Streaking the world with an unlikely hue. It bathes me with a yellow thats more yellow than yellow. Are we not all salt dolls swimming in a distempered ocean? If you dont drown, you just only dissolve. I hear them speak. And i know to keep still. While i wait. For the next heartbreak.

told you so.

2009-07-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

it's pathetic how you think you're such a badass when you're toying with the shittiest shit. trying so hard, risking almost everything to indulge in the image of it.

the perfect ending

2009-05-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

he waited. waited outside my door with a flower he plucked on his way. flaccid in its wait. he stood there. finally, with a filled full heart.

true glue

2009-03-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

people always hang on to those who make them insecure.

so, sally can wait

2009-03-18T02:26:00.000-07:00

People are inflicted with deeper sorrows then your superficial artificial self-important struggles. They are not concerned about you or what you represent or the kind of person you are beneath it all. They care solely about what you can do for them superficially artificially self-importantly. A perfect equilibrium that your world is balanced on. Your superficial artificial self important world. It only takes the slightest sense of humanity for it to completely disintegrate. Careful.

Where’s mun?

2009-02-16T16:58:00.000-08:00

Just when you think you’ve lived through every possible way of how someone can hurt you, believing you’re wiser, deluding yourself into a fragile synthetic strength that you thought you’d be able to fall back on.

You fall demeaningly right through it.

we can never be the same

2009-02-15T01:34:00.000-08:00

Ive lost sight of everything that i wanted to love. Ive lost my need to be needed. By you. or anyone else. I’ve lost my tolerance for irrelevance. i’ve lost my will to be indifferent. I’ve lost a keychain i bought from pangkor island. I’ve lost the ability to absorb shock. It bounces and flounces and shocks someone else. I’ve lost my greatgrandmother. I’ve lost my body-scrub-sponge from bath and bodyworks. I’ve lost countless loves and I’ve lost a few gifts. I’ve lost my capacity for sentimentality. I’ve lost my adulation for perfection. I’ve lost so much hair so much blood so much grit. I’ve lost my life. I’ve lost my sense of touch on my left index finger. I’ve lost count of the things I have lost.

loving and losing

2008-11-24T22:40:00.000-08:00

there are some friends you love, and keep for life. some, you love and lose. perhaps to serve as a lesson of what loss feels like.

doesnt feel like much really.

this is nothing i'm proud of. and not a result of arrogance nor a measure to hurt further. but it is a clear inhumanity and an obvious dysfunction, on my part. and maybe on that basis alone, i'm MEANT to be alone.

i am an insane lover, a great friend, but a better enemy.

another brick

2008-11-02T04:21:00.000-08:00

There is a wide gaping rift between who you are and who i thought you were. To think that we all lead lives of discretion. Secrets that you yourself have lost in the enfoldings of absent words. Secrets that have been stripped of language that relay them. Secrets that disconnect you from people you love. Secrets that pattern your lies. Secrets that displace you from being the person you want to be. how many of us are really unknown? How many of us live lives that are disengaged from our daily paths? How many of us spend our days suppressing conscience? And how many of us read this and pretend we remain undisturbed? Pretending you have the rightful audacity to doubt my reference to YOU.

because it takes one to know one.

disposable

2008-06-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

going through phases of life. you lapse in and out of awareness. of things. and then. it hits you. like a jolt that wrenches your gut. abrupt. it swells. like a wound. and you feel the tears, collecting. and your pride, that you desperately grasp onto. you feel it slipping. your manic hold on it, forcefully, loosened. as the voice within screams what you've already suspected. expected. you CANNOT be loved. loved. appreciated. no one, has ever, or is ever, going to look at you with such dignified, profound, unconditional affection. simply because you were not meant to be. they always want something. there is always a catch. always, always something that you have to give back. and after living a lifetime of giving, you tire. your core is weakened by the pang of this revelation. it burns. like alcohol spilled over a fresh cut. wronged. again. and again. again shouldnt even be a description that compliments your mistakes. but we all say it. without thought. i dont believe in genuine individuality. there is no such thing. inside, we are all the same. through and through. but inside, doesnt matter. why is it so hard for someone, just anyone, to love you? for you. for all your faults. for all the ugly things you represent. you wince at how pathetic you sound. self-loathe is not something that you can afford anymore. imagine that. embracing yourself. only because you have no other choice. because only you, have the capacity for it. unmoving, you remain, too absorbed to notice the gradual but definite fade of the sounds from the world outside- as your frantic mind reels, in its mental pursuit of some cathartic escape.

well maybe not you. maybe it's just me.

my flaws, they excite you. because you want to feel redeemed. like you're better. well, you are. you are fucking better than me. but in essence, me and you, are not all that different.

fullstops serve nothing

2008-04-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

Is it over now over something that you overheard It is over dramatized Over complicated, overhit All your clever talk Leaves you tongue-tied It's overkill You wanna fix it with your hands tied You never will I don't wanna play this game no more Back and forth and back Is it over now? So tell me how does it feel So, is it over now Are you yet over me Take it easy now Don't wanna change a thing Don't want my dirty little feet all over everything I took my shoes off That I would enchain over the clean sheets wrapped around that dirty bed Oh, believe me, if I wanted to, baby, I would bury you I keep my hands clean Keep my dignity I leave it all to you

"the sound of empty"

2008-03-28T01:42:00.000-07:00

this is why ben chow is so amazing.

thoughts, they flow

2008-03-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

i feel old. hate, it tires me. aged by the bitterness of life. i count the empty days that never waits for me. chasing. chasing dreams. dreams that remain unattained. unchangingly, unattained. i want it. i want you. but you. you are never here. stay there. where you are. because intimacy damages me. me. me. ME. how narcissistic. secretly narcissistic. arent we all? yes you are. denying it would be hypocritical. hypocritical hypocrites. arent we all? how ironic. i've lost my ability to judge superficially. being shallow, is a blessing. trusting superfice is easier. easier than what exactly? people are never exact these days. vagueness is safe. seek comfort in obscurity. maybe thats why i'm nonspecific. always ambigous. with everything i say. and think. whats the point of thinking then. if everything is pointless. not pointless. just vague. so vague that it's pointless. talk in circles. think in circles. why do you want to confuse? so you sound more profound with the complexity of your thoughtless flow of thoughts? i dont know. i wasnt aware that i was talking in circles. until the circle was formed i suppose. pity pity those who try to understand.

that fool

2008-01-18T04:49:00.000-08:00

today i cried. sweat and tears infused, streaking my cheeks coughed forth by the sudden weight of things that i've neglected to realize. with intent. this is not the person that i was suppose to become. i look at you, and my appreciation of your efforts remain unmanifested, unsaid and unheard as i selfishly cast you aside, out of my life. i know you weep in your prayers, hoping for some salvation for me. your unconditioned love not repaid. words, they tangle themselves as i try, painfully, to tell you that i never wanted it to be this way. as i try, to express the thick viscous despondence that lay over my thoughts, smothering, suffocating, impeding my soul. i've lost myself in this chaos of a life i'm leading. without a moment to breathe. i rush through the seconds of my life, abandoning the principles that i've lived by. rolling, uncontrollaby from one moment to the next oblivous, yes conciously oblivious, to the changes around me, and more importantlly, within me. the rest of you read this, and you cant make out what it is i'm saying. you frown and then judge the words i dispense. well thats okay, this wasnt meant for you anyway.

mirrors

2007-06-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

dont deny that youre concerned, if not preoccupied, with the way you look. it matters to you that your hair isnt falling the right way, or your cheeks look a little fuller, or your tummy folds when you sit or when you look like the spawn of some obese monster in group-photographs. it bothers you when someone passes a meaningless remark about how weird you dress/look/smile/act. and as much as you pretend you dont, you noe you care. you totally give a shit.

insecurites, in my opinion, are the most hideous features of a person. yet its such an innate part of everyone. its within our nature to doubt ourselves. because you're so paranoid about how thosepeople/ thatperson would regard you. but even after realising this, you make your judgements on others. and it is for this reason alone, that you mask your own insecurities. with a sense of humour perhaps? a bitchy persona perhaps? or maybe even a facade of oblivion perhaps?

and all this because you care too fucking much about what they say or think or do. that girl you've been contemplating on chasing, that boy you're so secretly desperate to attract, those friends who make you concious of how much you weigh. THEY. or maybe you, yourself, are part of 'THEY'. with your narrow opinions and your quick conclusions.

so after flipping those magazines, after listening to your friends discuss some 'serious' issues about how intolerably gigantic their thighs are, after walking past all those advertisements about makeup/hairtreatment/weightloss/fashion/skincare - you're left with bruised esteem and neurosis. driven by fear, you blindly consume products or do exactly the opposite. neglecting to question the detriment of your actions to your health/lifestyle/relationships and worst of all, your sense of self. because you've succumbed to being just like those you onced pitied/scoffed at/never understood. you're not a victim of a flawed social system. you're the agressor. and the one person you're causing the most harm to is yourself. but as much as your choices are obviously errored, you have every right to make them and continue making them.

if these things do not apply to you, then know, that peole like this exist. if they do, then Hello.